I've never expected that I can go this far.. hahahahaha... remember 2 years ago when I was still an inexperienced and awkward freshman. Until now I have seen all impossible things that according to human's eyes.. are impossible. Doubted.. looked down.. miserable. I walk through this path.. with Him.. the only God that's real.. the only God who's there when you need or don't need Him.

Most of the people maybe wonder.. whether God is real or not.. God hears their prayers or not. They try to find a way.. to meet the highest Being. But they're trapped.. they're fooled. There's an Infinity Love that knows no boundary.

Jesus is real.. Jesus is everywhere. You're trying to find an answer.. You're trying to seek comfort. It's Him.

Believe me.. I was in your position once. When the person that you believed the most, betrayed you.. and left you.. broken into pieces. It might sound too much... What could I say ? I was still an awkward teenager, Innocent. I was confused.. and...... I thought It was better to commit a suicide after that person left me. I was so stupid. I was miserable. Whenever I saw him.. I was so scared.. awkward.. self conscious. I wasn't myself anymore. I wondered..

" God.. why did you let this happen to me ? "

For almost 1 year I didn't get any answer..... I blamed everything on God...
What a fool I was...

But then I grew up.. day by day.. the pain from my ex, drew me closer to Him.. I was closer more than ever to God..

God wanted to be close with His children.. I was a foolish teenager.. cried the whole way home.. asking this and that..

I wasn't thankful enough to realize what God wanted to convey through it...
Then I came into my sense...
He healed my pain.. and took it away.. the put together the broken pieces.

Now.. when I remember it... I smile... I know that He's the only one who will never leave me. No more painful tears. Can you imagine if you're in my position ? Who'll hear you ?? Who will understand you ?? You can't rely on your friends.. you mama or papa. Even a mother can ruthlessly abort her baby. If you tell them your pain... the can't fully understand you. They're not in your position.. they don't feel the same pain.

But Jesus.. He's the only one who'll never protest. He knows you even before you appear in you mother's womb. Jesus was willing to sacrifice Himself... at the Cross.. as a payment for your sins.

I find my peace.. my comfort.. in Him.. Jesus. Jesus is real. Being teenager sure.. wasn't easy.. changing hormones.. irrational mind.. but don't avoid the process... pass through it.. with Jesus.. :) .

Wake up.. accept Him.. let Him enter your heart... He'll give you peace that you can never find in everything..

I can barely breathe...
Each time I remember the path that I've been through..

Grace.. you're going to be an adult soon...

Why does it seem so hard for me ??

I will no longer have to go to school..
College life.. ( Amen )

Everything seems so beautiful and hard to let go..

Being with You Jesus... I lost track of time...

I've realized that in my life, I've been through so much. I'm just so amazed by the way He leads me. Without Jesus I will not be the Grace I know. Side by side with Him.. walk with Him. Pass through it all..
Thank you for what You've done in my life, Jesus..

Adding some blurs.. layers.. vignettes... render.. render... yadda.. yadda..

Until today.. I wonder what's the real purpose of my life.. ?
I don't know.. yet..
It seems different.. It's unfamiliar...
The biggest prize is waiting ahead..
But am I even worth it ?

"Life is unfair..."

Said one of the sayings..

Am I even loved ? Am I even worth it ?
Everything looks precious.. How about me ?

Am I permitted to be different ??
Or Can I use my own way ??

They're asking...
God.. I don't know how to do it..

Give me some clues..
Heal this throbbing pain...
I'm confused yet scared...
Please lead the way..
Make this simpler.. easier..
Either solve this riddle or give me enough wisdom to solve it..
Walk with me and make sure I'm safe..

Am I alone ?
Please be here... I know you're here and there...
Please never leave me.. because I don't know if I would survive without You..
Please hold my hand because I'm honestly scared..
Please make me understand that I don't have to be afraid..
Please.. without You I'm nothing...


People will never be the same.. as the time changes..
I don't know whom I can rely on..
They ask me things where they never put their nose on..
Am I even destined to do this.. this way ??
Harder.. ?? more painful ?? no help except from You ??

I need a boost energy of faith... of love... of understanding...
Because honestly.. I'm tired...........
Keep me awake.. keep me alert...
I'm nothing without You...

Geez.. It's already my senior year... T___T it's not like I mind being one grade higher.. but.. isn't it too fast ???

I'm feeling like I wanna explode. It really hurts.
When everything seems unfair..
Do you know how does it feel like God acts unfair toward you ??
And people start to put such high expectation toward you.....
My life seems so hard... from the day I was born... meanwhile another person in my life can live her life easily.. smoothly..
I'm crying alone.. no one knows.. they don't understand...
I don't even feel like I wanna chat with my father closely anymore... it hurts...
I have dreams too.. I have things I want to achieve too...
But why O'Lord you never give me what I really want ??
Meanwhile my sibling can have it all...
Do you even care ?? I know you're watching me now.. but give me a good reason why did you let all these things happen in my life ??
Full of tears.. heartbreaks.. pain...
She doesn't even have to try hard on everything...
Do you love her more ??
It stabs me slowly..

Hullo Blogger.. !! It's been a long time..

It's holiday !!! and.. sadly.. I don't have anything to do.. at all.. seriously... I'm getting boreeeedd..... -_-
Sleeping-Dancing-Eating-Taking Bath-Helping mom and so on...
I have loads of fun, entertaining, and creative activities in my mind... but... arrrgghh.. I guess I'm too lazy for it all. I slept at 4 A.M and woke up at 11 A.M. and I barely have emough willingness for some fun activities.

Lots of greetings that I've received along this day..  Step by step.. finally I've entered this 17th year in my life.. :') yes, Happy Birthday to me..
I'm feeling like I wanna cry. I've been through so much... Accepting the fact that I'm no longer a 15 years old girl. My 15th year means so much for me.
Lots of memories are overflowing in my brain now.. Gosh.. Why does time need to run this fast ??  No need to rush right ?? Seriously.. time runs faster than I've ever expected. I'm on my way to my 20th Birthday.. an surely I'm gonna miss this feeling of amiableness, I'm gonna miss these arcane feelings.

I remember when I was still an innocent little girl, knowing no makeup, slightly overweighted, had zero understanding about the proper way to dress as a teenager. I passed lots of stories, lots of dramas, hatreds, insecurities, angers, scars, and heartbreaks. I remember when I was heartbroken and felt like I couldn't bear the burdens, then I started blabbering all my heart contents on Facebook, Twitter, and this Blog. Then suddenly the senior of mine told me that social medias aren't made for blabbering nonsense. Unstable. Pathetic. Depressed. I remember when everything seemed uncertain.. questioning a candor of the hidden matter.. and that not circumspect Grace. Crazy right ?? now I'm sitting with a laptop on my lap.. officially being the 7teen years old Grace that is typing a random blogpost about her birthday.

Reality is cruel, that's what the wisdom said.. but I guess it's misinterpreted.. Reality teaches you to be stronger that you usually are.. Reality tells you to accept the condition the way it is..  Reality trains you, so you are already immune towards things that you'll face in future. So, reality isn't really cruel at all... it's a clue for you to choose what you'll do towards yourself.. to see your circumstance in a proper point of view.. to give you a better understanding about your own self.. to open your eyes and give you support to do what you should've done from long time ago. Those were what reality had taught me.

I'm officially 17 since the 7 P.M GMT+7 time. I've grown up.. I can't believe that Grace Who was always bullied since Elementary school, Who was almost died, is now becoming a stronger Grace, a better Grace,  an amiable Grace, a loved Grace.

God fixed me.. He built me from zero... little by little.. He taught me through everything that's happened in my life. Without Him.. I'm still my " ZERO " self. He put all the broken pieces of my hearts.. healed the scars.. and made it even better than the way it was before. I'm just a little kid in His eyes.. He helped me through those painful hard times. Sometimes I felt like he wasn't with me.. but actually He was faithfully being everywhere I am at. He watched me.. He embraced me whenever I felt weak and useless. He walks with me everywhere.. His eyes watch me. Without Jesus I'm probably just gonna be a decomposed corpse inside a coffin. He saved me from death on my 4th grade. He had done so much for me. He loves me so much.. now and forever. He gave His life for me.

" Jesus, thank you for everything that you had and have done in my life..
You're here, beside me through so much.. without even leaving me for a second..
Through those painful hard times.. through those burdens that I have to bear..
Your words made me stronger... Your love that you showed to me through
people in my life, gave me a spirit to live..
Whenever I walked away from you... I was lost... but you came and take me with
You again.. walk this long journey of life.. with Your hand held tightly on mine..
I'm sorry if I ever disappoint You... I'm weak an You know it..
But You still love me somehow.. :')
Thank You for Your Words in Isaiah 41:10 and Proverbs 3:5-6..
And thank you for this one more year in my life... :')
In The Name of Jesus
Amen "

This dawn I've been thinking a lot..
Silence... Doubt.. They are close..
Separated.. some steps between..
Bone chilling cold..
Closing eyes for a second..
Falling into a deep thought..
It's so quick yet slow..
On the other side of this wall..
I can hear your heart beating..
I can feel your breath.. inhaling.. exhaling..
The warmth I've been longing for so long..
I'm soulless.. blankly staring at the emptiness..
My chest feels so tight.. asphyxiate..
It's not physiological.. but psychological..
I'd been wanting to approach you..
Unfortunately those blank eyes stopped me..
Staring with no light, not like they used to.. 
Who was the stealer of your soul ??
Who did this to you ??
Left you so empty behind..
An enigmatic riddle I haven't solved yet.
Prosaic guess...
It's vacillating, not a status quo..
I need to see that light again..
Even just for a second, or a centisecond, or a milisecond..
Then I will leave in peace... 

By Grace Helena

Even the craziest person in this world still has a little bit of sanity in his mind. Just saying. Aaaaand I finally decided to open my social media accounts back. And I've lost my sanity that I'd gained when I left them ( social media ). But life seems a little bit more colorful as I see my friends commenting each other statuses, posting photos etc. I'm feeling like I need to close my accounts once more.. -_- I feel distracted.

Okay ! and finally the HSR is done !!! woot woot woot !!! Not the grand one but it was enough.. :D lol
The Holy Spirit Revival was so damn tiring, I wore high heels and It broke my legs.. -_- plus the make-up I need to put before the.. But it's all worth it... :D Even though I was a little bit disoriented by some little details.. lol.. but over all.. it was fun, and enough.. Can't wait for the next HSR..

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Since I started to do my practical VHS Job as a DI assistant, and Since I started to watch subscribed TV,  I began to love GLEE !!! WOOT !!

The first time I watched Glee, I felt like it was too harmful for teenager ( Which I was still 14 years old ) like me. Honestly I love musical drama, like High School Musical where the love story of Troy and Gabriella decorating the whole movie. But seriously, Glee is DIFFERENT !! It's more into the reality, not a perfect happily ever after dreamy story like we usually see, but it consists of all the teenagers' issues nowadays in USA. Just the way they are.. it shows you many different characters in Teenagers' life.

The point is :
"  What seems good is not always good and What seems bad is not always bad. "
a.k.a
" Don't judge the book by its cover. "

The characters in Glee is not like it always appears, this drama gives us another point of view of a character's personality. For example, Rachel is surely the protagonist in this story, but she has some dark sides with her, one of the dark side is ambitiousness in protecting her solo role in Season 2. When she sees Sunshine Corazon as a threat for her solo role. Plus in Glee, I couldn't help but download all the cool songs in it, the actress and actors in Glee are high qualified singers and dancers. Glee teaches me some great point of view of myself and another people in my life. 

So It just came into my mind how I listen to the musics or praying when I'm stressed. Music is something that probably can't be separated from every human being in this world. I find satisfaction in music, it just runs in my blood but I'm not being too maniac for it.

I like it when I feel the beat then my body moves on its own, finally I end up singing. I'm trying to dance and move my body more with my conscious mind. Even I'm not too into it, because I honestly have flexible body but I can't remember movements better than remembering phrases and thing that you can find in book. I need to work hard to do a choreography set of a song. Since I was little I always could do side split, front split, bridge, pointing, yoga etc, but not with remembering movements. When I master the movements, I feel like I've just won a lottery.. lol. Seriously dancing is fun, and I guess it's included in some of my stress remedies.

And then when the situation makes me stressed and turn me into the red zone, the only and the most important remedy, is.. praying. What do you think ? yes of course praying is so much better than meditating in yoga. I'm as a Christian sure understand what the benefits in praying are. Praying means, you're talking to God, The Creator of the universe, The One who is always watching over you. You can't find any accurate answer more than God could give, you can't find a more faithful friend in this universe except God, you can't be totally honest to everyone but with God, you don't need to hide anything from Him, He knows everything, every little thing about us. When I'm turned into the red alert mode, I start to remember His Words in the Bible, then start praying. My favorite time for praying is midnight, no one can bother me or make a noise. And His presence is soothing. Maybe you're wondering whether God is real or not, because you have never feel His presence, and you don't think He listen to your prayer. The only thing that you should know is..  He's real.. Jesus is real.. but you need to accept him as your savior and let Him enters your heart.

And some little remedies that I do when I'm stressed is eating a little bar of Cadbury Chocolate.. ^^ or doing treatments for my skin and hair. I'm not a perfectionist fashionista, I just love doing some treatments, and it has no negative consequence right ? as long as you're not too much and keep your logical and rational mind over it.

The other remedy is going to some shops ALONE. It gives me time to clear my mind, then I don't have to listen to my Friends' whining whenever I'm shopping. I prefer buying stuffs alone or with a best best best best friend. Why a best best best best best friend ? because the person understands me better and won't laugh when I buy something weird ^^.

There are so many remedies that I can't mention. But the most Important remedy is giving your time for God. ^^

As the sun shone this morning, and as the pain came from my monthly woman's pain a.k.a period, I thought I didn't feel like I wanna go to work today. But finally I thought it over then I realized that I have several responsibilities to do. Finally I ended up with eating 2 pieces of pepperoni pizza with all the office workers. Oh God, it's such two pieces of heaven, I haven't eaten pizza for so long :D.

Everything is going fine, and guess what ?? Tomorrow is March, M-A-R-C-H, so it means the month for my TCC's annual Holy Spirit Revival event. Phew... I don't feel like I've passed a year from my last HSR. So many things happened, it feels like a super speed motion movie. It feels like yesterday.

I wonder " What would this HSR event be ? " since I had not so pleasant HSR because some problems with the guy in my past last year. *sigh* I don't want to do anything stupid again this year, I mean uncontrollably do something without readily face the feedback in future. I guess staying silent is the best of the best thing that I can do.

The people start to judge me from my outer appearance again. I wonder " What the hell is their
problem ? " this is my body, my face, and my hair, why do they complain so much about it all ? I'm proud because I inherited both of my mother and father's gene in my hair, It looks beautifully wavy to me. But people keep judging me that they hate my hair, they said that my hair is a big mess, dry, unruly, abandoned and etc.. But haven't they touch my hair ? It's softer and more texturized than most of my friends and my hair is not untangable.  It's  true that sometimes I feel like I don't want to put some nice blouses and skirts to replace my beloved baggy T-shirts and Jeans, and it's true that I don't have constant will to do straighten my hair with flat iron everyday. I'm not a tomboyish, but I'm not too feminine either. I think there's a right time and place to do things above. I love myself the way I am and honestly I don't feel like I'm me whenever I tried to beautify my looks. Soo, I prefer my baggy clothes, no buts.. I've lost my weight from 65 to 54 which is a difficult thing for most of the people and they still protesting about how fat I looked like. Gosh ! I'm pretty normal !! I know that God is controlling how much calorie intake each day and He controls my appetite too. Everything is under the control of God's eyes. I don't have to worry in body.

I know that everything happens for a reason. All the circumstances in this world, all the events that are happening now, are under His control. I know He watches me.. and He knows me well more than everyone. All the pressure I got from people around me shed my tears even more. But in this typical condition, I see His hands working. He leads me until this point, where everything is starting to be more crystal clear. I'm facing my biggest weakness this time. And it draws me nearer to Him. I wanna scream and tell this weakness to sod off.. I'm honestly uncomfortable, insecure, and unstable. Until I start asking Him " What's your plan behind all this mess ? " , I'm curious.. but curiosity killed the cat. I'm start approving this challenge then pass through it.

Lately, I've been out of Facebook for a week. Well, it brings many benefits for my life. People with Social Media addiction can be categorized as Psychotics. They have no life or they spend most of their time on updating, chatting, tweeting and things that you can do in Social Media. I realized it.. That was why I decided to deactivate my account for the umpteenth time, even though it makes me so unsocial in this cyber world. It opens my eyes to the things that I usually have no urge to do. Helping my mom, doing my jobs, playing with my dogs and it's been a long time since I did those all. I decided to breathe.. to take a rest for all sort of social cyber activities. I've been through a lot these past months.. I can't tell how many tears I've shed and how many times I felt miserable then cried. As I'm growing up.. things in the Bible become more and more real. I'm facing my " soon to be an adult " phase now. Not just physically, but also mentally. Only God know how many times I was failed to hold firm onto His words. This Process doesn't take such short time to be passed. Not only my flesh demeanor, but people around me... like a new challenge appearing for you right in front of you and waiting to be passed. Sometimes I feel like I need to get rid this toxin in my head and those toxins around me for a while. I have no idea how people seem nice, and the next second, the kindness evaporates nowhere. God knows how many times... it has put me down.. but a think I need to be so thankful for.. I don't run away from the problems like people do. I did it and I 'd faced it. My problems are ashes in front of His eyes. I'm grateful because I'm a Christian, and I'm proud of it. I'm grateful because I've been reborn with Accepting Jesus Christ as my God and my Savior since I was little. I'm grateful because I have a family, especially my Dad, who is used by God to taught me about Himself. I know my life is different from all the rest of teenagers. I was taught that I have to hold Words in the Bible whenever I'm placed in a situation which tempts my faith. I'm not better than another Christian or Non-Christian teenagers, I'm even worse than them all. I realized who I am, worthless, reckless, arrogant, egoistic but I'm amazed that the mightiest God in this universe, Jesus Christ is willing to give His love for me. He had changed me for better. Through all the problems, sins, and faults. He's still here, everywhere, watching me. Even if I run away from Him, He waits for me to come back, He let something happens for me to come back, to His embrace.

Keep beating.. I love how it sounds..
Slowly echoing through my veins..
Runs faster than a leopard but slower than light..

Away..
Unreadable motion.. there but it's all blank..
Whispers... Moans... Growls...
They take a second...
Out of my will to hear..
Swallowed... 
I take " God knows for how long " ....

4 letters with double " O "s..
It losts in its blindness..
Keeping a blade in its hands...
One two three.. darkness..


No clue with no map..

Let me get there for just a second..
Let me sing you this song for just a second..
Just this once..
So you can finally figure it out..

It feels like I haven't written any post in ages.. -_-
Seriously, I don't feel any excitement like I usually had these times..
It feels like something is probably wrong.. or missing... well..
I got these random sudden thoughts about my past.. you-know-who..

Soo... It's been a long time since I wrote my last post..
Well, Since I worked to finish my practical work program in Vocational School.. It felt like I have no time to write a post.. My mind. my eyes, and my fingers are directed toward knowledges about graphic software that lie beneath YouTube..
Everything seems so damn monotone.. but the fabulous thing is this ridiculously fast connection I got here..
It feels like the scars I got in the past has never existed.. even though sometimes there's still longing I feel in my daydream.. but It's healed as time passes by..
And the biggest problem that I need to solve is MY SORE NECK AND SHOULDERS.. !!!
They are petrified !!!! Maybe it's because I spent too much time in front of my ASUS LCD Monitor..
Gosh.. and the coolest thing about practical work is I don't have ridiculous amount of assignments that I have to do in time..
Well, It's quiet fun to meet some blokes and women that are above about 20 years old.. Working with just my beloved lily lolo laptop... XD
And nooooowwww... My watery eyes are swollen... and tired... ==" gosh..

It's already 2013.. yeah.. Happy New Year !!

Walking through this new day.. hmm.. I actually.. have nothing to write.. -_-
Except I feel Pottermore.com had brought my Hogwarts spirit back !!!  Wooo Hoo !!!
And gues what ?? I was sorted by the sorting hat.. anddd I'm a Ravenclaw nowww !! *tearyeyes*
I don't know.. since the first time I watched Harry Potter I had a feeling that Ravenclaw suits me so much.. and It's true.. :) yaay !!!
The colors of Blue and Bronze.. Oh my.. I'd found my new family in Pottermore.com.. my fellow Ravenclaws.. each time I entered the common room I felt like I'm home.. well with many friends from all over the world such as USA, Canada, UK etc..
I don't really remember what thing that brought me to love this fiction.. I mean Harry Potter as well..
Maybe because the extraordinary things that contained in it.. They are all unique.. And obviously not boring as we used to see in the real world.. Adventures..
About the couples.. well.. I prefer Dramione.. Draco and Hermione.. :') they are the exact opposite of each other.. but I want them to be a couple.. :'( seriously..

And Tom Felton looks so damn gorgeous.. XD I fell in love with him !!! <33 seriously..="seriously..">

Look that feet of yours are walking toward the opposite side of this point...
And your fingers that fitted mine perfectly had slipped out..
I wonder whether I'm having a nightmare or not..
I'm not even sure..
I'm not even sure..
Little things that I used to remember feel like nothing..
Completely awakened by a long hibernation..
The space that used to be so narrow.. now had widened..