Long time ago, I thought that family is all about sunshine and rainbow.
Where your mom will love you dearly.
That hurts, I've never felt like I have a pure motherly figure in my life.
Yea I know, she's my mom, she gave birth to me.
My innocence got me again.
And this storm is currently raging.

More than that, more than this..

Sometimes I just want to escape from the reality and go somewhere else.

How does it feel ?

What is marriage ?

Isn't marriage supposed to be something that you cherish for your entire life ?

Because we promise in front of God, under God's name.


I don't get selfishness.

It's heavy, Lord.... Who am I gonna be ? I didn't expect this to be burdensome..

No, I don't get it at all...

How to handle this when I'm this fragile ??

Do I deserve everything ?


Family isn't everything...

Looks could be deceiving...

Blood also.. could be deceiving..

So what is our sole purpose in life ??

Besides glorifying Your name and waiting for You to come..


Let them who pretend to be concerned judge me..
Their slick tongue and fingers will ease this pain for a while...
Comforting words and written comfort..
Just for a while..
Behind my back as usual..
Because we'll never experience hypocrites shortage..
Blood could be a cunning hypocrite...
I'm also a hypocrite myself..

This time will it be different ??
I know You wrote this scenario....
You wrote that this is my own dessert...
Will I be able to pass this ??

You've seen this happened before...
You've been there....  You've been here...
Just don't let me fall... don't let me fall....

When I was asked to buy some food for dinner, I looked at the night sky.

Does it feel like this ??
Whenever you're being the bigger sister, you need to bear it..
People's expectations are just so damn high..
Whenever they compare me to my sibling..
Favoritism towards my sibling is just so painful to bear..
Yes, she always implicitly says how better my sister is..
I try to pretend and just keep being silent about it..
I always spend my time in my room and cry myself until I fall asleep..
But as I grow up, I begin questioning whether my mom loves me or not.
I do love my sister.. We always have a great time together..
But the way my mother treats me is really painful..
I'm not really close with my mother
She is the one who causes my awkwardness ever since I was a little girl
She always scolds me and offense me with unreasonable reason
She often implies that I'm uglier than my sister
I'm just so sick of this favoritism
I hope I can get out of this house ASAP
I need to find myself ASAP
I'm tired, really tired
I feel like I'm alone in this family, despite the fact that God is with me..
Why does everything have to be unfair for me ?
My mother hates me whenever I do something better than her..
She always follows my skincare routine
She always follows my preference of anything yet she insults me the most
She has always been so jealous of me -_- that's really stupid
And in the pas she compared me with my friends
I just hate her hypocrisy
I understand that favoritism is a real thing
I was just too naive to find it true
This day, I've seen it so clearly
But I'm thankful because I'm not really dependent on my mother
Thx Lord..
But sometimes I just want to be selfish..
Is that so wrong ? for a daughter like me ??

People think that I'm ugly and fat, to be honest it makes me down sometimes.
But hearing it implicitly from your mother is just so painful

At least I finally accept myself like I've written in my previous posts.

I just hope I can get out of this house ASAP
Walking with God and face everything without having to worry about my mother's snide remarks
Just lead me to go through it all, God

Sometimes, you just need some time to relax..
I'm not a patient person by nature.. It hurts knowing a lot of possibilities that may happen..
I found some new friends.. but they just couldn't get what I'm feeling right now..
I don't want to burden them with these problems that I'm facing right now..

Have you ever felt that you do everything wrong ?
I have bad attitudes.. I know that all people in this world have..
I don't want to repeat the same mistake twice..
So I avoid getting too close with guys with strange intention.. I feel like I'm not who I used to be..
I'm afraid of falling..
At the same time, I know I'm getting more mature..

I want to be there for these new friends.. but we barely know each other..
And it scares me to think that I may hurt them in the future.. and the opposite..
I don't want them to know..
I love them all..
Just being right by my side and telling me stupid  jokes is more than enough..
I don't want to be involved in some kind of drama with my impulsive tendency..