So It just came into my mind how I listen to the musics or praying when I'm stressed. Music is something that probably can't be separated from every human being in this world. I find satisfaction in music, it just runs in my blood but I'm not being too maniac for it.

I like it when I feel the beat then my body moves on its own, finally I end up singing. I'm trying to dance and move my body more with my conscious mind. Even I'm not too into it, because I honestly have flexible body but I can't remember movements better than remembering phrases and thing that you can find in book. I need to work hard to do a choreography set of a song. Since I was little I always could do side split, front split, bridge, pointing, yoga etc, but not with remembering movements. When I master the movements, I feel like I've just won a lottery.. lol. Seriously dancing is fun, and I guess it's included in some of my stress remedies.

And then when the situation makes me stressed and turn me into the red zone, the only and the most important remedy, is.. praying. What do you think ? yes of course praying is so much better than meditating in yoga. I'm as a Christian sure understand what the benefits in praying are. Praying means, you're talking to God, The Creator of the universe, The One who is always watching over you. You can't find any accurate answer more than God could give, you can't find a more faithful friend in this universe except God, you can't be totally honest to everyone but with God, you don't need to hide anything from Him, He knows everything, every little thing about us. When I'm turned into the red alert mode, I start to remember His Words in the Bible, then start praying. My favorite time for praying is midnight, no one can bother me or make a noise. And His presence is soothing. Maybe you're wondering whether God is real or not, because you have never feel His presence, and you don't think He listen to your prayer. The only thing that you should know is..  He's real.. Jesus is real.. but you need to accept him as your savior and let Him enters your heart.

And some little remedies that I do when I'm stressed is eating a little bar of Cadbury Chocolate.. ^^ or doing treatments for my skin and hair. I'm not a perfectionist fashionista, I just love doing some treatments, and it has no negative consequence right ? as long as you're not too much and keep your logical and rational mind over it.

The other remedy is going to some shops ALONE. It gives me time to clear my mind, then I don't have to listen to my Friends' whining whenever I'm shopping. I prefer buying stuffs alone or with a best best best best friend. Why a best best best best best friend ? because the person understands me better and won't laugh when I buy something weird ^^.

There are so many remedies that I can't mention. But the most Important remedy is giving your time for God. ^^

As the sun shone this morning, and as the pain came from my monthly woman's pain a.k.a period, I thought I didn't feel like I wanna go to work today. But finally I thought it over then I realized that I have several responsibilities to do. Finally I ended up with eating 2 pieces of pepperoni pizza with all the office workers. Oh God, it's such two pieces of heaven, I haven't eaten pizza for so long :D.

Everything is going fine, and guess what ?? Tomorrow is March, M-A-R-C-H, so it means the month for my TCC's annual Holy Spirit Revival event. Phew... I don't feel like I've passed a year from my last HSR. So many things happened, it feels like a super speed motion movie. It feels like yesterday.

I wonder " What would this HSR event be ? " since I had not so pleasant HSR because some problems with the guy in my past last year. *sigh* I don't want to do anything stupid again this year, I mean uncontrollably do something without readily face the feedback in future. I guess staying silent is the best of the best thing that I can do.

The people start to judge me from my outer appearance again. I wonder " What the hell is their
problem ? " this is my body, my face, and my hair, why do they complain so much about it all ? I'm proud because I inherited both of my mother and father's gene in my hair, It looks beautifully wavy to me. But people keep judging me that they hate my hair, they said that my hair is a big mess, dry, unruly, abandoned and etc.. But haven't they touch my hair ? It's softer and more texturized than most of my friends and my hair is not untangable.  It's  true that sometimes I feel like I don't want to put some nice blouses and skirts to replace my beloved baggy T-shirts and Jeans, and it's true that I don't have constant will to do straighten my hair with flat iron everyday. I'm not a tomboyish, but I'm not too feminine either. I think there's a right time and place to do things above. I love myself the way I am and honestly I don't feel like I'm me whenever I tried to beautify my looks. Soo, I prefer my baggy clothes, no buts.. I've lost my weight from 65 to 54 which is a difficult thing for most of the people and they still protesting about how fat I looked like. Gosh ! I'm pretty normal !! I know that God is controlling how much calorie intake each day and He controls my appetite too. Everything is under the control of God's eyes. I don't have to worry in body.

I know that everything happens for a reason. All the circumstances in this world, all the events that are happening now, are under His control. I know He watches me.. and He knows me well more than everyone. All the pressure I got from people around me shed my tears even more. But in this typical condition, I see His hands working. He leads me until this point, where everything is starting to be more crystal clear. I'm facing my biggest weakness this time. And it draws me nearer to Him. I wanna scream and tell this weakness to sod off.. I'm honestly uncomfortable, insecure, and unstable. Until I start asking Him " What's your plan behind all this mess ? " , I'm curious.. but curiosity killed the cat. I'm start approving this challenge then pass through it.

Lately, I've been out of Facebook for a week. Well, it brings many benefits for my life. People with Social Media addiction can be categorized as Psychotics. They have no life or they spend most of their time on updating, chatting, tweeting and things that you can do in Social Media. I realized it.. That was why I decided to deactivate my account for the umpteenth time, even though it makes me so unsocial in this cyber world. It opens my eyes to the things that I usually have no urge to do. Helping my mom, doing my jobs, playing with my dogs and it's been a long time since I did those all. I decided to breathe.. to take a rest for all sort of social cyber activities. I've been through a lot these past months.. I can't tell how many tears I've shed and how many times I felt miserable then cried. As I'm growing up.. things in the Bible become more and more real. I'm facing my " soon to be an adult " phase now. Not just physically, but also mentally. Only God know how many times I was failed to hold firm onto His words. This Process doesn't take such short time to be passed. Not only my flesh demeanor, but people around me... like a new challenge appearing for you right in front of you and waiting to be passed. Sometimes I feel like I need to get rid this toxin in my head and those toxins around me for a while. I have no idea how people seem nice, and the next second, the kindness evaporates nowhere. God knows how many times... it has put me down.. but a think I need to be so thankful for.. I don't run away from the problems like people do. I did it and I 'd faced it. My problems are ashes in front of His eyes. I'm grateful because I'm a Christian, and I'm proud of it. I'm grateful because I've been reborn with Accepting Jesus Christ as my God and my Savior since I was little. I'm grateful because I have a family, especially my Dad, who is used by God to taught me about Himself. I know my life is different from all the rest of teenagers. I was taught that I have to hold Words in the Bible whenever I'm placed in a situation which tempts my faith. I'm not better than another Christian or Non-Christian teenagers, I'm even worse than them all. I realized who I am, worthless, reckless, arrogant, egoistic but I'm amazed that the mightiest God in this universe, Jesus Christ is willing to give His love for me. He had changed me for better. Through all the problems, sins, and faults. He's still here, everywhere, watching me. Even if I run away from Him, He waits for me to come back, He let something happens for me to come back, to His embrace.

Well, selama ini aku ternyata terjebak sama dunia social media. Dunia yang penuh fantasi, komunikasi virtual canggih tanpa batas waktu dan tempat, obrolan dan curhatan yang asik.
Hahahaha yap..
Inget di post-post sebelumnya aku memutuskan vakum dari Twitter sama Facebook. Well.. kenapa ?? Keliatannya kaya biksu yang ingin bertapa dan melarikan diri dari kota metropolitan ya ?
Banyak faktor dan hal yang ngebuat aku ingin ngejauh dari Twitter dan Facebook untuk sementara waktu. Sambil dengerin lagu The Civil Wars yang Falling, aku bakal ceritain semuanya.

Well, social media selama ini sukses ngebuat aku terkurung bagaikan katak dalam tempurung. You know ? tiap hari tangan aku gabisa lepas dari Handphone Android aku. Buka Phone Lock - App Drawer - Search - Opera Mini - Facebook / Twitter.. itu kayanya tiap jam wajib dilakuin. Bagaikan seorang inferi yang terkena imperius curse yang dilemparkan oleh You Know Who a.k.a Lord Voldemort a.k.a Tom Riddle *HarryPotterBanget* hahaha.Tapi memang bener ko.. rasanya kaya candu sama dua Social Media tersebut. Believe me.. you're going to feel so damn free without those social medias. Contohnya : Seorang Grace Aprilia Helena yang kurang lebih 5 hari yang lalu gaada waktu untuk menikmati nonton DVD, browsing something scientific, nikmatin banyak lagu, bantuin mama, Blogging, olahraga lebih dll.. biasanya aku yang 5 hari yang lalu itu kalo ga social media ya Photoshop lagi ya Photoshop lagi. Tapi sekarang aku lebih punya banyak waktu untuk berada di luar beberapa hal gila tersebut. Rasanya " I found my old self again " .

The first time I did it, I did have a strong will to ignore these sounds in my head to reactivate my accounts. But the next 2 days.. those were the hardest days to hold myself. As the time went by I didn't care much about my accounts.
Now aku punya banyak waktu untuk ngepost di Blog yang sempat kusam ini. Now aku udah selesai nonton 5 Film dalam 2 hari. Dan tadi aku baru aja nonton The Hunger Games, A Walk To Remember dan baruuuu banget tadi Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II lengkap ditemani satu bar Soyjoy yang rasa Strawberry ditengah gelapnya kamar dan diatas nyamannya tempat tidur menjelang subuh ini.

Memang rasanya gimanaa gituu ngilang dari peradaban yang dimana kita nyaman berada. Rasa kangen sama temen-temen pasti ada. But it's better to learn controlling myself now than later. Pengendalian diri itu perlu.. gimanapun juga aku yang harus ngendaliin Social Media.. bukan sebaliknya.

Dan besok harus siap-siap ngerjain kerjaan seorang anggota MCC : Edit foto prakerin. Wow.. -_- wish me luck guys.. !! :D

One of my most feared fears, Is to face the reality and all these insanities. I know.. I'm such a coward for not accepting the reality in front of me. My mind keep on making reasons. I remember this song whenever I'm on my fatal stage..

FAVOR ( By : True Worshippers )
Verse 1: 
There is a song in every silence 
There is a dawn in every darkness
There is a hope in every pain
There is a spring in every winter 
Even in doubt there is believing 
Through every season 
You are near
 
Chorus:
Oh Your favor 
and Your grace Lord
Last a lifetime 
Last a lifetime
 
Verse 2: 
You satisfy our deepest hunger 
You broke the bond and set us free 
You gave us life eternally
Jesus the name that calms our fears
Only in You our sorrows cease 
Your love has won and now we see
 
Back to Chorus
Vamp: 
Hallelujah 
You are faithful 
You are faithful'

It strengthens me.. yes.. this verse.. : 

There is a song in every silence 
There is a dawn in every darkness
There is a hope in every pain
There is a spring in every winter 
Even in doubt there is believing 
Through every season 
You are near

and this one  :

You satisfy our deepest hunger 
You broke the bond and set us free 
You gave us life eternally
Jesus the name that calms our fears
Only in You our sorrows cease 
Your love has won and now we see

I'm just being a completely idiot in facing such a problem like this. I wonder why did God gave me this kind of heart ?? If I could choose.. I would choose my own path.

The first verse's point is :
There's a rainbow after this rain..
Too connotative ?
Well.. in another words :
There's a settlement after problems..
The wall appears.. but there's always a way to demolish it..

All these these feelings I recently felt... are just some of God's uniquely awesome ways to shape me. Though It hurts.. like hell.. like the end of the world has came.. like being stabbed right on my chest.

God.. you are sure more than capable to broke this bond that binds me too overly tight. Remember when You healed me in my 4th year of Elementary School. When doctors said that It was impossible for me to live although if I live, I'm going to be an idiot. But You prove them wrong.. You gave my Dad power.. You gave Your promise in Psalms41:4. Now I have to deal with these things... :') I believe You are more than capable.. You hear my prayer.. and answer it even before I pray. You know my tears before they fall.. You know all hidden things in my heart.. that I don't even know. These things are too much painful for me to bear.. ( According to my human POV ). But You said that.. You would never give more than I could bear. So I decided to believe Your words over my feelings. Sometimes I become such an arrogant human being. But You forgive.. You understand.. unlike those other people.. You heal me.. You renew me. There's nothing better to ask from You.. Your presence.. Your love.. It was all that strengthen me through this.

It was that place again..
Where the chairs were perfectly arranged...
That room..
I sat down...
My mind didn't care about it..
But my heart did..
It yearned for your presence..
The whispers.. the guitar strums..
Those faces were just as happy as usual...
My heart wandered through this..
Then you suddenly came.. with a guitar on your back..
As usual..
Relaxed for a while..
These eyes stole some glances of you..
Bitter smiles and laughters...
Tried to make myself as happy as I could.. 
Covered it all..
Covered the longing..
The moment ended..
No shaking hands..
No small conversation..
I walked away..