毎日新しい質問がある

でも。。答えがありません。。

自分に信じるのは少し難しいよ

しかし、あたしは試してみるつもりですよ。。

" You need to learn how to value yourself before going any further "

Indeed it was what God is trying to convey all these times.. and what I fool I was because I didn't even get the message.

So here's my long story..

I was an awkward teenager who on several occasions put myself on a higher position above anyone else or you could say that I was arrogant. Then there were times when I thought that myself is lower than anyone else. I was such a contradiction.. when I grew up, I wasn't really close with my Mother. I excelled well in my studies when I was in Junior High. I got the first place every semester since the 2nd Grade in my JH to SH. 

I was so self conscious. I guess it was because my Mom didn't even teach me how to dress up as a girl. I didn't know what I had to do that time, in my Elementary years. I once had such shiny hair and that was ruined because my Mom didn't teach me to use the right product for my hair.  I didn't know how to style my hair. So when girls in my School whose hair was beautifully tied in pigtails or ponytail, I let my hair down.. It was HORRIBLE!!! frizzy and... hahahaha. One problem that bothers me the most is that I have this huge forehead, and I didn't know how to hide it, since I was clueless. I was bullied because of my awkward look, until I got on a point where I didn't even have any willingness to go to school everyday. 

It was since I found my confidence through God, I was changed, my grades are excellent, and in Junior High I was more respected than I had ever been in my entire life. I tried to change my look, that was when I decided that I wanted to learn the art of Make-up. But I didn't overdoit.. just a mere knowledge how to cast the magic. I kept myself awkward because I thought that Make-up should be used occasionally.

When I entered High School, I was in looooove with this one guy, we started going out. That time my weight had gone crazyy ~~ I was 55kg at the beginning of my freshman year, and a couple of months later I had gone to 65kg ~~ that was because I overdid my study and stayed awake all night long to do my assignments. I ate without any second thought. I entered a Vocational School where I had to put all my mind into every little assignments that were given to me. So after I gained weight then gone out with him, I was so young and He was like my first BF ~ My Father warned me that He would hurt me in the future. I didn't believe it, because Love makes everyone blind. He did hurt me * I wouldn't go exposing the details since somehow I have this feeling that he'll read this*. I was miserable.. I know that He met His ex and fell in love with her all over again because she is cuter, prettier and more mature than me. FYI this guy I dated was popular I swear, roflol and He's like the king of guitar and music :v.

On this point I looked at myself on the mirror.. the reflection said that I was a big failure. In my brain there were voices like this :

" Your face is way too disgusting to look at, no wonder He broke up with you "

" You are way too fat to be anyone's girlfriend, no wonder He dumped you "

So I started to change myself, I did diet. I lost like 10 kg and I was back to my Junior High weight.  I started to straighten my hair everyday, I got a lot of positive feedbacks. It took 2 years to finally get over Him. Along those 2 years of my life, I was still moping around looked like a moron who's trying to get everyone's attention. 

On my third year of High School, I stopped doing my hair and I gained a little bit of weight back. I still saw myself as a failure.. but I just simply accepted the reality. 

After I graduated, I got the 2nd place among more or less 700 students in my School. I could have done better.. I wasn't satisfied.. hahahaha.. but I accepted it. I started to study for the university entrance exam but I didn't make it because I was in Vocational School, It needs a lot of time to master High School's ordinary subjects. I failed like 4 times, and the fifth, because I wasn't accepted for Monbukagakusho that was because I didn't master Japanese at all. Although I did make it to the interview session. 50 out of 1500 I was pretty happy even though it was a little bit sad.  

I wonder why God did this to me.. ? After all these times ? I also started questioning  God's existence ?

I remained broken for a while. I looked at my friends' statuses who had entered College and experienced all the fun. But I didn't stay like that for too long, I started studying Japanese, Kanji, Kana, and all the Bunpous. I'm working as a Japanese Club Teacher in a Junior High School, while preparing for my next exams. These months after experiencing such bizzare experiences, a lot of failures, and tears. My mind brought me back into those pictures of me in my past. Slowly those experiences change me little by little, I had 5 months to FULLY UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I stopped my effort in excessive exercise that didn't work at all, I stopped seeing myself as a failure. And slowly I accept myself the way I am. I don't mind my super huge forehead and freaky hair anymore, I don't mind my weight anymore. 

And this morning, I realized that all these times I didn't value myself at all. 

I saw my weaknesses as a taboo. I saw myself as a big fat chimpanzee even though I knew I was not that fat. But I did let my friend's voices get through me. I saw myself as a perfectionist, so when I did failure, I punished myself for not being good enough. I changed myself not for the better.. I changed the way I look for someone who didn't worth it at all.  I lost my weight not for me, not for God, but for a guy who's a delusion of mine. 

This morning God opened my eyes.. 

Why He didn't let me to enter the College yet..

Why He did let me experience those failures.. 

That was because He wants me to be ready for the next challenge.. College is a harsh world.. 

And if with that version of mine I entered College, I'm so sure that I'm gonna mess everything up.

He taught me to love myself, not to hate it because of those failures.

He taught me that we didn't always get what we want, instead we need to accept what was given.

He taught me that there's always a good side of everything.

He taught me that I didn't know myself at all.

He taught me to know myself better.

He taught me to not listen to those people who criticize me negatively.

If I always get what I want, it would be harder to accept myself once I get my success and then suddenly fall.

He wants me to be humble. He wants me to be refined. I was an egoistical and arrogant person back then. 

And I'm glad that now I'm living my life as a real human. I know how does the failure taste. Now I know how to handle it. He wants me to accept how I look. 

And finally I'm able to get the message right.. I'm thankful.. that now I know how to value myself.

Girls, before you start doing makeover, You need to know yourself. You need to accept yourself the way you are. You need to know that you do it for yourself, for God. Not for someone who isn't worth it at all. Not to be accepted by those artificial people.

I'm not as slim as before, and not as self conscious as before. Now I know I can change ~  I mean in a positive way. Because this time I know myself. But now I'm comfortable with the way I am. I'm ready to change, exercise, in a more positive way. Not for this scenario where you think you're going to make your ex beg you to come back, once you're beautiful and all. IF HE DOES THAT, IT MEANS YOU AND HIM AREN'T MEANT FOR EACH OTHER. It was the lowest of the lowest, I mean, I know that first impression means everything, but you need to know that the guy you need to treasure is someone who'll accept you for who you are and in return, you need to be able to accept Him the way He is.

Now, the failure doesn't bother me at all.. those stares and whispers don't bother me at all.. I'm way stronger than before, because God let me experience this once in a life time experience.

I'm amazed on how much I've changed after these months. I accept myself. I learn to smile in a hard way. God had changed my view of life. 

Thank you Lord for everything, and sorry for ever questioning your existence.  I learn it the hard way. 

Hahaha.. ~ 

Hope this post inspires your thoughts. Especially for girls like me outta there. 

Love,

Grace Aprilia Helena who has realized her purpose of life