For the Umpteenth Time, Cae

By 1:34 AM

Ketika gue baru aja memasuki dunia baru ini...
Gak pernah kepikiran sama sekali di benak gue untuk memikirkan something like love..
I knew.. my heart was still healing.. my mind was tired of all the shit happened..
It was utterly plain
Belajar.. belajar dan belajar...
Somehow, di pikiran dan hati gue.. sulit sekali memaksakan diri untuk punya crush.
No.. they weren't crush.. they were just a slight of admiration.
No flustered face, butterflies, no.. not at all.
I missed the feeling of being in love.. all the nervousness and silly thoughts..
My heart was still healing.. traumatic.. I know that I shouldn't be afraid.
Gue coba memaksakan diri... dan tidak bisa. Maaf... siapapun yang gue acuhkan di tahun pertama, entah Tuhan yang sengaja mematikan perasaan gue atau gue yang gak siap.

One day.. I prayed..
God, let me feel the feeling of love..

Gue juga bingung sih.. cinta itu apaan ? that heart-clenching feeling ? hanya serangkaian reaksi hormonal di dalam tubuh lu.. dan no more than that. But humanity will not exist without the presence of love. When two people fall in love, it's magical.. how could that happen ? God's secret and all.. I don't know..

Ya... dan masuklah gua ke tahun kedua gua..
Dan sepertinya Tuhan menjawab doa gue.. gak seperti tahun pertama.. it was like.. no.. no butterflies at all..
Tahun kedua ini, I met a lot of nice guys.. one of them was him.. he was all innocent, nice, I didn't know the real him. I didn't know him.. yet I slowly fell for him. He was who he was.. Until somehow I felt uncertain and some fights broke. I realized that I didn't know him.. I didn't know him... my heart was hurting.
Then met another guy, I didn't know him at all.. it was a short hello.. and quick goodbye. This new guy's presence was refreshing.. I didn't know how to describe it but.. it was refreshing.. I didn't feel the butterflies, I felt happy.. until something happened and I knew that it was just for a while, but I am grateful, he's still healing ~ and I wish him to see the sun, to move on.. and seek more happiness..

When we are in love, semuanya aneh, dan gajelas.
Dan gue bahagia, akhirnya setelah bertahun-tahun yang membosankan, akhirnya dapat kembali merasakan efek samping dari yang namanya cinta.

Kegajean, keanehan, kekhawatiran, kebiasaan ngecek line setiap saat, gue sangat menikmati hal
tersebut.

Ya... Cinta itu anugrah, semacam reaksi kimia di tubuh kita yang diciptakan Tuhan agar kita bisa terkoneksi secara spesial dengan lawan jenis kita.

Eros' kind of love.. to love and to be loved.


I am not going to preach.

Gue tau ketika seseorang mulai merasakan perasaan suka, orang itu punya tendency untuk melukai orang yang dia sukai (maksud gue bukan yandere yandere gitu ya),.. like.. gimana yah jelasinnya.. hahahaha pokonya konyol.

Gue yang biasanya rasional pun bisa jadi korban efek samping cinta.

Tapi kali ini gue lebih wise, dan lebih mengerti, meski kadang konyol juga sih.
Being in love without knowing the feelings of your loved one, it feels like never ending battle with yourself.. insecurities, worries, and that heart-clenching feeling.. all in one.
Will I ever be enough for the one I love ?
Will I ever fulfill the expectation ?
This is only for a while..
But I really admire the feeling,.. God.. this is such a beautiful feeling..

I wish I could find the right one :)

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