Hullo Blogger.. !! It's been a long time..

It's holiday !!! and.. sadly.. I don't have anything to do.. at all.. seriously... I'm getting boreeeedd..... -_-
Sleeping-Dancing-Eating-Taking Bath-Helping mom and so on...
I have loads of fun, entertaining, and creative activities in my mind... but... arrrgghh.. I guess I'm too lazy for it all. I slept at 4 A.M and woke up at 11 A.M. and I barely have emough willingness for some fun activities.

Lots of greetings that I've received along this day..  Step by step.. finally I've entered this 17th year in my life.. :') yes, Happy Birthday to me..
I'm feeling like I wanna cry. I've been through so much... Accepting the fact that I'm no longer a 15 years old girl. My 15th year means so much for me.
Lots of memories are overflowing in my brain now.. Gosh.. Why does time need to run this fast ??  No need to rush right ?? Seriously.. time runs faster than I've ever expected. I'm on my way to my 20th Birthday.. an surely I'm gonna miss this feeling of amiableness, I'm gonna miss these arcane feelings.

I remember when I was still an innocent little girl, knowing no makeup, slightly overweighted, had zero understanding about the proper way to dress as a teenager. I passed lots of stories, lots of dramas, hatreds, insecurities, angers, scars, and heartbreaks. I remember when I was heartbroken and felt like I couldn't bear the burdens, then I started blabbering all my heart contents on Facebook, Twitter, and this Blog. Then suddenly the senior of mine told me that social medias aren't made for blabbering nonsense. Unstable. Pathetic. Depressed. I remember when everything seemed uncertain.. questioning a candor of the hidden matter.. and that not circumspect Grace. Crazy right ?? now I'm sitting with a laptop on my lap.. officially being the 7teen years old Grace that is typing a random blogpost about her birthday.

Reality is cruel, that's what the wisdom said.. but I guess it's misinterpreted.. Reality teaches you to be stronger that you usually are.. Reality tells you to accept the condition the way it is..  Reality trains you, so you are already immune towards things that you'll face in future. So, reality isn't really cruel at all... it's a clue for you to choose what you'll do towards yourself.. to see your circumstance in a proper point of view.. to give you a better understanding about your own self.. to open your eyes and give you support to do what you should've done from long time ago. Those were what reality had taught me.

I'm officially 17 since the 7 P.M GMT+7 time. I've grown up.. I can't believe that Grace Who was always bullied since Elementary school, Who was almost died, is now becoming a stronger Grace, a better Grace,  an amiable Grace, a loved Grace.

God fixed me.. He built me from zero... little by little.. He taught me through everything that's happened in my life. Without Him.. I'm still my " ZERO " self. He put all the broken pieces of my hearts.. healed the scars.. and made it even better than the way it was before. I'm just a little kid in His eyes.. He helped me through those painful hard times. Sometimes I felt like he wasn't with me.. but actually He was faithfully being everywhere I am at. He watched me.. He embraced me whenever I felt weak and useless. He walks with me everywhere.. His eyes watch me. Without Jesus I'm probably just gonna be a decomposed corpse inside a coffin. He saved me from death on my 4th grade. He had done so much for me. He loves me so much.. now and forever. He gave His life for me.

" Jesus, thank you for everything that you had and have done in my life..
You're here, beside me through so much.. without even leaving me for a second..
Through those painful hard times.. through those burdens that I have to bear..
Your words made me stronger... Your love that you showed to me through
people in my life, gave me a spirit to live..
Whenever I walked away from you... I was lost... but you came and take me with
You again.. walk this long journey of life.. with Your hand held tightly on mine..
I'm sorry if I ever disappoint You... I'm weak an You know it..
But You still love me somehow.. :')
Thank You for Your Words in Isaiah 41:10 and Proverbs 3:5-6..
And thank you for this one more year in my life... :')
In The Name of Jesus
Amen "

This dawn I've been thinking a lot..
Silence... Doubt.. They are close..
Separated.. some steps between..
Bone chilling cold..
Closing eyes for a second..
Falling into a deep thought..
It's so quick yet slow..
On the other side of this wall..
I can hear your heart beating..
I can feel your breath.. inhaling.. exhaling..
The warmth I've been longing for so long..
I'm soulless.. blankly staring at the emptiness..
My chest feels so tight.. asphyxiate..
It's not physiological.. but psychological..
I'd been wanting to approach you..
Unfortunately those blank eyes stopped me..
Staring with no light, not like they used to.. 
Who was the stealer of your soul ??
Who did this to you ??
Left you so empty behind..
An enigmatic riddle I haven't solved yet.
Prosaic guess...
It's vacillating, not a status quo..
I need to see that light again..
Even just for a second, or a centisecond, or a milisecond..
Then I will leave in peace... 

By Grace Helena